There's a Fence Blocking Me

This is one of many pictures that I did not take.

I was driving on a freeway and didn't feel like

it would be very safe to take my attention off the road,

but wanted so badly a picture of the Utah

mountains that I said to my awesome cousin,

Heidi,

"Would you please take some pictures for me?"

And she did.

And I'm glad.

Because it looks like I'm having my annual

(maybe bi-annual or quarterly)

mental freak out.

This time it's my identity.

Well, my future identity.

Who will I be?

What will I do?

Why can't I get it together and keep up the house?

I have a daughter leaving in June to start college.

(That's what prompted the Utah trip-checking out things.)

I have a baby who'll be in school full time in September.

I have a husband who is very involved in lots of things, but still likes some attention.

I have two other tender hearted kids who have their own special needs.

(And I don't mean they are special needs kids, I mean they each have things they are dealing with - that, as a mom, I get the divine priveledge of helping them work through.)

I finished college.

I chose not to have a career.

I (really, we) chose to start our family young.

I (we) worked hard to get my mr. through school.

I told myself that I'd "go for it" when the kids were older.

But now I am wondering how much older.

I worry about how we'll make it,

even though I know it always works out.

And I feel like there is something wonderful hiding behind a fence,

waiting for me to get through to it.

I would really like to know what it is.

My hand on the wheel of an awesome rental car with my dad's hat on the dash.